Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
