I haven't been this sober since birth.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
