This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
