I think I died a long time ago.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
