the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
