Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
