I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
PANTIES FOUND
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
