so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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