She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
