I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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