I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
