Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
