I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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