If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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