Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I can't put those talents on a resume
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
