I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
