STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
