Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
