So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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