Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
