I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
