the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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