I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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