K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
