I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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