i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
