Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
