I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
