i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
