I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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