i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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