now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
pray to the hookup gods
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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