I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
