yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So squirting runs in the family.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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