Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he was CRYING into my vagina
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
