apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
