YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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