all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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