There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
