I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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