The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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