Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
