i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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