The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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