FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
