you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
