I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
