i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
