woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
