To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
