dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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